What Was and What Could Be!

 I was randomly looking at my blog rolls. Read the posts that some of my friends had written in the recent times.

I really admire them for keeping it going still, for keeping it alive. It should be the passion for writing or the passion for expressing themselves. I don’t think anything else could have kept them going.

The irony is I used to be a passionate one myself. People used to call me a passionate girl. But I think my problem is being passionate about this and that… I have not really stuck to or stuck up for anything.  I guess there is nothing that I have not tried. But I have not stuck to anything.

While growing up, I have gone for dance classes, musical instruments like piano, and guitar, karate, volleyball but never finished anything. That is when I discovered writing, I found joy in it, and it kept me grounded. But the point, as always is, I don’t stick to anything. Once I left school, I hardly wrote anything till around post- graduation. Then, writing became a necessary skill upgrade that I had to do and which I was good at.

Then I started blogging when I was living in Hyderabad. I don’t know if it is Hyderabad or if it was that particular phase of life that I was in; I did it and enjoyed doing it. That was more than 3 years ago.

Many things have changed since then. I moved to Bangalore, changed my team, got married, changed team and profile again, changed job, all in that order. And another obvious change is I have not really penned down anything here. Well, I would have a couple of lines, but nothing worthwhile… nothing me..

It is not that I don’t have the words, I have them in plenty. But feels like, I have ran out of ideas. Is it the change of air from Hyderabad to Bangalore? Well, it shouldn’t be, that is just geography. It can’t be getting married or changing jobs either. Especially, when I have got a husband who supports and encourages what I love doing in my life and when my professional life revolves around content, communication and the new media platforms.

I think it is just the genetic wiring of not sticking with things in life and always regretting the part that I don’t stick.

This is not a New Year resolution, we are already in February. After all, that is just a change of calendar.

But today, I am promising something to myself, I am taking up a challenge. For the next 25 days, I will pen down something here. A writer’s block is too long to last for three years. I can’t wait it to get over or wait for the perfect ‘come back’ post any more. Even if it is absurd rants or raves or private emotions that are better kept under wraps, I do not care. I am not going to pick up cues and prompts either. Even if absurd, it is going to be my ideas and my way of expressing them.

For once, I am going to take up a challenge to myself, stick to it. I am going to be me again.

Why does a child laugh when you throw it in the air and catch him??

I have come across this analogy a million times.

Why does a child laugh out with delight when you throw it in the air? The answer has always been this—Faith or belief in the person who throws it in the air. The child has complete faith entrusted on this adult that he or she will catch him and not let him fall.

Never did this analogy raise any kind of curiosity or doubt in me..untill yesterday.. Yesterday, I heard it again. I had been in the church for the usual Sunday mass. On account of walking from home to church, I was a little late and reached the church only after the Bible reading. It was time for the preaching and this was one of his stories of the day.

Then I started wondering.. Is it really due to the strong faith in the adult who throws him up in the air, that the child doesn’t cry, but laughs out with delight? Or is it because of ignorance? Ignorance of the fact that if he is not caught in time, he will fall down? Ignorance of the fact that if he falls down, it will hurt bad?? Ignorance of the feeling of hurt or pain in itself?

The child is just not conditioned yet that a fall from such a height could lead to pain. Until you know it, you are fearless. Ignorance makes you fearless. If the child had an experience of falling from a height and getting hurt in the process, I don’t think he or she would ever laugh out loud again when they are thrown in the air to be caught…

Reflections

Long time ago, I guess it is for the school magazine, I wrote a passage on aspiration and contentment-that they are two conflicting values. I don't even remember my take on the topic at that time and am not at all sure if it will align with the thoughts of this post. Well, life has changed quite a lot since then. If at that point of time, the inspiration behind the writing was something I read or my own novice ideologies, this time it is experiences in life since then and reflections on them thereafter. Well, you don’t grow up/old for nothing!!

So, is it aspiration or contentment that one should go for? Well, no one can live with just one of those; life would be awfully boring then. It has been and always is a balance that will keep you going and keep you happy, but one's key rests in finding that delicate, fine balance. But at this point of time, if you ask me-is it up to an individual to find his key and unlock the lock, I would say well, it’s written!! It’s written in your destiny!! Can you believe it?! I am one of those people who read the book the alchemist and said that the fundas in that are too much of a fantasy to be applied in real life.

But now, I think I stand corrected myself because I feel the fundas were always right and down to earth, only the application of the funda in the life of a shepherd who was destined to find treasure is fantasy. And what we adapt to our lives is not the fantasy element, but the funda element. And the funda I can relate to most in my life now is the connection between events, people, time etc. It’s all connected. What ever happened in your life in the past is connected to some event that is in the present or in the future. You don't see the connection unless it starts getting a little obvious and you decide to stand back like a third party observer and observe all the events that happened so far in your life and care to find the links.

I had always thought that the 3 years of my college life was over and done with if not for some fond memories and the learning’s. But now I feel, it keeps coming back through the connections it has to my present. What was so relevant then and proved to be futile later happened for a reason and what was irrelevant has become important. And the reason I mentioned is nothing but to facilitate the transition from irrelevance to relevance. It all makes sense!! And now, I think I will find my right key for my lock where the balance between aspiration and contentment lies.

The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before

Have you ever tried to put heart wrenching pain into words? To bring in some sort of logical flow or pattern into those words? I used to do that a lot and I still do it sometimes. In the past, I always wrote down those words and tore it apart..Pour down my unstructured emotions into a paper, tore it apart and blew it in the wind.. Frank and bold I might be misunderstood, but I am never frank enough to show what I feel or bold enough to admit how I feel.. And almost all the time, it is this heart wrenching pain..
Happiness doesn’t want an expression. It is so light that you don’t mind keeping in your heart even if your heart is overflowing with it. But sorrow cannot be so treated.. It fills your heart with its heaviness.. And your heart slowly starts drowning…
It’s the same now.. Its wretchedness all over… it cannot be altered.. There is nothing or no one causing this pain.. But all the same there is a reason for it.. A reason that cannot be altered.. I sometimes wonder, why do I keep committing the same mistakes over and over again. Is it because I am in love with that mistakes or the pain it creates.. Could be both.. There is an element of pleasure in this pain as well.. I am reluctant to let go of this pain.. This pain gone means I am gone numb.. I would be unfeeling then. I would rather be a feeling person and suffer the pain it causes rather than be immune to both.. I will miss the pleasure in the pain if they are gone.. I won’t be myself again then.. I will be someone else just wearing my robe..

Peace and goodwill to the mankind on earth

Glory to God in the highest
Peace and goodwill to the mankind on earth!

This was the message that the angels sang when the baby was born in the manger 2000 plus years ago. It is a time of joy, cheer, goodwill, peace, charity, sharing and love. For the faithful, this is the anniversary of that day when god kept his promise to save the mankind by giving us the savior. This is the birthday of the noblest man ever who walked the face of earth. Over thousands of years, Christmas has been celebrated with this spirit.
If this season of Christmas brings in such a state of mind where people share peace and goodwill, this is the time we need it most. And what we need is Christmas-as a state of mind and not Christmas-as a holiday season. Right now, the joy of Christmas season is over shadowed by hatred and fear. There is no peace in the community or in the mind of people. There remains uncertainty because of terrorism and social unrest. People live in the fear of bomb blasts and gun shots. In one part of the country, when unrest occurs due to terrorism, in another part it is domestic violence.
I am not preparing for Christmas celebrations by observing lent. Neither do I have a Christmas tree or a crib nor a star lit at my home. I am not buying any Christmas gifts. At this Christmas, all I wish is this “Peace and goodwill to the mankind on earth!!!!!!”

It doesn't matter which road you take!

You are walking a barren road
It is a long winding dusty road

It is hard to move forward
But you do or you fall dead

would I choose if I were you?
To move ahead or drop dead here
Tough question to answer friend
Some questions can be answered
Only by living the questions
And that I would do If I were you.

The dust would turn to muddy water
If only it rain a few drops in the night
But that too is an ominous state
Knee deep in mud is not my
idea of the ideal road for me to walk

And no change can you expect in this
dusty windy road but a grubby rain!!!
And you have to keep going
I just know so much

Some where ahead, just a little ahead
the road will diverge!!
(ha!! reminded of the mighty poem?)
but yes, this happens in life too
And which one will you take
Or will you be forced to one?

Remeber you are always a solitary walker
You take the road less travelled
or the road more travelled
You are walking the road only once
Both roads will have the bends, the curves and the gutters
You don't know what lies ahead

May be! Just may be, who knows!
the roads will converge again
At the other side of the bend!

It doesn't matter which road you take
When you really don't know
Where you want to go!

When I become a novelist!!!(???)

If I ever was or ever would be a novelist, what would have been my novel about??? would that be suspense or high phase drama? Fantasy or ground reality?? Tragedy or Comdey??? Would it be truth or would it be a lie???

Like most of the she writers- I might write about 'her' or 'I'. I will not meander into the niceties of the 'He'. Even if I did, that would not be interesting at all!! Would that ever be!!! Even if it was, I wouldn't know. Because except for the understanding that I have about the opposite sex as a partner, a friend or a brother I actually have not observed them as a subject matter for my novel. That is an area I will have to catch up quite a lot befor I start on the novel- if not for the main character, atleast to create my side characters..

I want my charcaters to be glocal- that is, local characters that global readers will be able to relate to. Obviously I will not be able to write about the heroine who grew up in the Prince Edward Island because I do not KNOW where the heck Prince Endward Island is!!! All I will be able to write about is some 'Maria' or 'Shantha' somewhere in Chittady, Mundakayam, Kanjirapally area.. At the most my geographical spread can reach up to Kottayam. Another obvious option is to draw some inspiration from our own Shantaram who wrote about Bombay. But so far, the one and a half Hyderabad years have certainly not given me my novel plot though showered abundance of other things(these other things could be the subject matter for my 'farewell Hyderabad' blog which could be published in future)

Now, what would my heroine be?? I can't make her a romantic- that is so out of fashion today.. And I cant make her a realist-that would be soo badly unromantic!!!Then, it would be like a plot of life- boring, mundane never ending loop called life!! [Gosh!!! this is becoming quite a tough decision..]

I will bring in a degree of sarcastic humour and with a sigh, wonder about the moral standard of the world..[Oh!! that will be too much austenish!!!]What if I make her an innocent, passionate, lively person.. [Glen, stop it..I am warning you again!!! Your heroine is not from Prince Edward Island!!] Ok, what about making her an unlucky, miserable woman[Not again!!!we are not talking about your stupid mood swings here!!!]

Readers: The ifs and buts are umpteen!!! You will have to wait..Wait till my novel is publsihed and till then, remember this post to compare what promises I have kept, what I have broken, how my perspective have changed, how much is unchanged and how much of everything I have captured. Adieu, till the novel is published..

Answer me, I am asking you!!!

Why do I have such a vulnerable heart?

Why is it that sometimes the pettiest things prick me?

And leaves me with a heart bleeding to death..

I was the strong one..I am the strong one..in just a handful of ways..

Or is it just the appearences?? Just the pretenses that I make to the world out there which have untouched me in so many little and big ways..

Even to the world within me, I am strong..Strong enough when it is being just fair to me..

Why is it that the God who made this cruel world made me so suspectable to its cruelties??

Answer me!!! I am asking you!!!!

Is blogging for losers??!!!

Some days back, I came across the blog of one of my friends..Well, He is not really a friend. I would rather call him an acquaintance. Calling him a friend will not be apt becuase to give the title of friend to each other- we would require something more than being your old room mate's friend and thus having to give cursory nods/smiles/hellos to each other when ever you come upon each other in the road/gym/basement of your apartment. Well, that is not the point. Before I saunter to other irrelevant areas, he had mentioned in his blog that blogging is for losers. Well, I know that it is a rather hasty generalization. I have seen many a blog which is adorned with great creativity, sense of humor, emotions which are far from disappointment and frustration. Still, in this light when I look at my own blog, I have to accept that from a winner's blog[now, that is an overstatement;-)] my blog has indeed been sullied into a loser's one.:-(

nd Y is that??!!!!

Well, I have lost it again...

Mischief from Heaven

As a kid, I don't even know if I was a mischevious kid. I don't honestly believe I was. But as I grew, the mischief also grew. I have had quite some mischief to my credit. But whose account do you credit when mischief start happening on its own. Sometimes, your mind play mischief on you which you dont have any control over..Sometimes, life simply start playing mischief on you.. I call them the mischief from Heaven. Using my 'professional' language to explain it to myself- mind and life are just the 'custodian owners' of such mischief , they can't influence the mischief.The real owner is some one else- the influencers..He(in this context- it is a Unisex He)decides- sitting over there (again I persume that 'over there' is Heaven) what mischief to play with you, how to affect your life with it and how long to play. You are just a toy tied to a string- doing all those things in the eyes of the out side world when the fact is you are moving as per the orders through the string. What we call in my mother tounge Paavakoothu.There is this string tied around me, not visible but strong, resilient,callous.. which controls..consumes...and which brings all sort of thoughts- mischief from heaven. And you just move as per the movements already decided by the string holder..
How this mischief influences you, you will never know. When you thought you were weak, you were actually strong. When you think you are strong, you are actually week. You decide, this is how you want it, it goes the other way round..not just goes-like that, it takes a pie of your mind too-the other way. When you want something, it will go missing, leaving a void.. The Void might not be filled ever again, but when you get used to the void and get comfortable with its presence, the substance is back!! Not that you want to shun off the substance but it needs getting accustomed to!! And when you get accustomed, suddenly Void becomes the ideal thing- the magic manthra for peaceful living. When you got to sacrifice, you stand up for yourself. And when you got to stand up for yourself, you end up sacrificing. When you don't have the power, you choose. When you have the power, you are not intelligent enough to make a choice!!! You never get used to anything- just as soon as you are about to get used to- there!!!! the mischief happens!!!!
Is it the mischief from Heaven? or from the Hell??I hope I knew the answer.. But I don't.. and here, I choose to call it- what I wrote in the title. If I did it sarcastically, I am yet to find..or may be that is yet another Mischief from He.....!!!

Letter to you...

Dear Blog,

I am sorry I ignored you for quite a long time now.I have my excuse, though it could be just any excuse, I would like to put it across to you in a way you like. As some great guy who was into litearture wrote a long time ago and as it happened that I sort of retained it in my memory almost in a similar form-I was caught in that intricate web of time and space..Caught in that vicious circle of choosing between living life for yourself and for pleasing everyone around you who care about you. Now, you might ask me, if all those burdens are over and if I am out of that vicious circle. The answer is No. But then, over the time I realized that you are the person I should turn to pour my uncomprehensable heart time and again and ignoring you for a long time might work aganist my interests. So, I am back to you dear Blog.
And this time, I promise... I will not deprive you of my attention for any long period of time... Thank you for still being there for me...

Luv,

~Me